I am well aware that the past few weeks have been either dumps of random internet curios or references to a certain struggle I'm going through. I don't apologize. I do, however, feel I should reassure friends that I'm ok. I'm in a funk with it all, but the only real option is to muddle through it. I'll probably appreciate it on the other side. For the moment this insomnia, fragile emotional state, and anxiety is crappy. But if nothing else, it gives me more reason to be active and reach out. Those of you that I see and talk to, thanks. It means a lot.
That said, I came to the realization yesterday that a big portion of this can be attributed to a power struggle. Some people said you never get used to kids dying, you just get to the point where you realize you can only do so much. That we all go through this. That it's still painful but you tuck it away and go on in faith that you are helping. That their lives were valuable and that the loss is worth grieving. That the families need and appreciate our care and shared grief. My mom said maybe sometimes we're just supposed to be an empathetic witness to it all. I don't know that I can fully disagree with any of those things, but I do know that that they all mean giving up some control. I don't know about you, but I like control. Usually I think I need the control to keep going.
I don't know exactly what my personal take is on the whole thing yet, but I think I see some perspective emerging. I know this much is true:
Each child is precious. God loves and grieves with us for each one's suffering- he didn't cause it.
We have limited control (but I'm not sure exactly where I/we stop being in control and He takes it over).
I'm not alone and I'm here for a reason.
