Monday, August 31, 2009

Waiting

Apparently I'm in good company.

When I clicked on the link to the Blue Letter Bible, I saw Psalm 63:5 & 6:

"My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; an my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips; when I remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night watches."

Fitting, as I'm working a nightshift tonight.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

a little of this, a little of that

Ok, so unless you want to hear complaining, I don't have much to blog about at the moment. I'm quite frankly feeling close to miserable. I'm exhausted, achy, and can't stop coughing. It's compounded by guilt over not working yet again. A lot of people are sick on the ship, actually. Apparently something particularly nasty is going around the ship. Our poor nurse manager is scrambling to staff each shift, and nurses who aren't out with the bug are pitching in extra shifts. Keep them in your prayers, especially our manager Frankie- she must be afraid to ask people how they're feeling anymore!

On a somewhat humorous note at someone else's expense, I saw something pretty funny the other day. Some unfortunate souls seem to have inherited cases of bedbugs. There's a spray for it and everything gets laundered, but I guess some of it has persisted. I know, I count myself as very lucky. So I walked into a friend's cabin the other day to find her spritzing her mattress, both top and bottom sides, with something. It was a small bottle for such a large task, so I couldn't help but ask what it was.


You gotta give her points for creativity. And major points for not permanently setting up camp in the library or common rooms. Bravo, my friend!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Callithump

It's out! It's out!! The new Paperboys album is out!! And I can't get it until I come hooooooome!! Major bummer :(

But many of you can get it. Go. Buy. Enjoy!

Update: Thank you all so much for the kind offers to send it out here! My mom read this update and already got the album on its way :) Soon (well, three weeks or so) I will be on deck eight, rocking out to the newest Paperboys music....
As long as I can remember, my family has walked. We go in the evenings- sometimes to talk, sometimes to take a breather, sometimes to observe, or sometimes on a snipe hunt.

One summer when we were living in our cabin up in Michigan, we would go for night walks along the road through the dimly lit woods. Everything feels different at night. I'm a bit of a 'fraidy cat, but it's not so scary when you're with your parents or big dog. One night we heard an owl swoop down through the trees after a mouse. We didn't see it, but you begin to understand the night noises the more you walk. Walking silently is an art I'm constantly working on.

"Heel to toe" my dad used to repeat. He said that's how the natives walked without making sounds. Part of me suspects this was just a way to get us to stop flat footing on the cement or rustling up twigs and leaves on the trails. I find walking on the balls of my feet or on the knife-edge to be quieter usually.

When walking in the winter, the snow is usually crunchy or squeaky. For the most part during the day, you wouldn't notice, but the random noises of living cease in the dark cold. If you listen carefully, you can hear the falling snow and creaking branches. Sometimes we walk to the end of our street in Indiana, just to where the power lines hum across the road. By then our feet have frozen, the cold seeping up through the souls of our boots, and our sniffles rudely break the silence.

Arizona nights found cockroaches scurrying across your path and mysteriously cool breezes catching you by surprise. Seattle nights found me at Gas Works where the night noises of the city were carried across Lake Union to the top of kite hill as I sat watching Gazza run around in the shadows below. Florida nights are begging to be appreciated, but so far they are hot, muggy, and tiring. I'm looking forward to cooler ones with Peleke this winter.

Why am I writing about this? Because it gives me something to muse about in the wee small hours of the morning when I can't sleep for the coughing and sweats but can't do much productive for the lack of sleep. It's vicious.

I've been able to stroll the dock a few times at night. We're caged in (literally) after our curfew for safety reasons, but there's a narrow stretch next to the ship where the yellow lights shine down on us and the Gurka security guard on night duty keeps an eye on us stepping over concrete blocks and weaving through dumpsters. The ship groans against the giant bumpers and strains against its ropes as the swells rock it back and forth. I'm reminded again of our little world aboard whose floors endlessly pitch and toss. The walk reminds me of a caged animal pacing, but it feels good to stretch my legs after being cooped up.

Tonight I wandered around the ship for a bit. It's not like walking outside of course, but it was nice to take in the sights at a slower pace. For example, did you know there's a little orange foam monkey stuck to the trolley for dirty plates and glasses? And it's never completely deserted anywhere on the ship. There are random people up for midnight snacks, night workers around for lunch, insomniacs, and folks calling other time zones. As Mercy Shippers know, there's always the guard at the gangplank and somebody at the front desk. Usually there's some quiet music floating up from behind the desk. Sometimes I realize I'm walking without noise and then consciously try to continue that way. But I'll rustle a paper or maybe give a soft cough (not that I have a choice at the moment) so as not to surprise other people.

As I sit here now in the dining area, the water and juice machines endlessly churn their contents and the coffee machines steadily drips hot water into a pan. The occasional night worker comes in to sheepishly raid the galley and sit quietly by one of the windows to observe the tankers congregated just outside the port, waiting for their turns to enter. The security patrol follows an invisible path around the tables on his circuit through the ship, a walkie talkie clipped to his pants.

I'd give almost anything to be in Idaho with Peleke and The Beast, just setting off on a walk through a dark forest that will allow us silent passage... but for now, things being as they are, I'll settle for a cup of steaming tea, quiet music, and thoughts of things to come.

Random question of the night

Why do dogs squeak when they yawn? What exactly is causing that sound? I haven't been able to replicate it myself (and yes, I've tried).

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Which dwarf am I?

The back pain has been reduced to some aching after working eight hours- something I wasn't expecting and a pleasant surprise.

Now I'm sweating one minute and freezing the next. I'm exhausted. My throat hurts to cough and swallow but the coughs keep coming anyway. I'm frustrated. I'm crabby. I'm upset. I'm discouraged.

I realize we live in one giant petri dish, what with new staff flying in from around the world every day, not to mention the patients. I realize lack of sleep and regular exercise and diet play an important role. I even realize the role of stress and self-pity.

But right now it sure feels like if it's not one thing it's another.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sorting through a mind that is out of sorts

You've probably read all over the Mercy Ships blogosphere by now that we withdrew life support on Hubert Monday morning. The outcome was inevitable, and sometimes it's nice to humbly acknowledge that and be thankful for the small blessing of being able to arrange things in time for a peaceful passing. He died quickly and it was a beautiful transition in the arms of his father. That's actually a big statement- in the arms of his father. See, his parents had not officially "claimed" him, as evidenced by his smooth cheeks. His sweet sister has the telltale three vertical scars on each cheek from some Voodoo rite of passage into the family.

Not only did Hubert's father hold him as he went, but mama was grieving appropriately. I've made mention of that fact only a handful of times in my nursing career. Usually it's because there's cause for concern over the bonding- be it due to abuse, neglect, or whatever. In Hubert's case, it's important to note because it was there. Mama's genuine grief indicates that we were able to facilitate at least some bonding- that alone is a victory. Not only that, but she spent the days leading up to his death praying and singing over his failing body. Mama cried and wept for a child she had previously not bestowed the acknowledgment of true life upon.

What did we accomplish? I'm not entirely sure, and I'll never know completely. I wasn't one of the nurses closest to his care, but even I can see that our validation of his life and importance was shown through our medical care and constant fawning over him. When your baby has been branded as demon-possessed, I have to imagine seeing a community not just tolerate but love him has some sort of impact. Not being a mother myself, I have to imagine that regardless of culture, you feel the sacred connection to the being you gave birth to.

She went against her culture's teachings and brought Hubert to Mercy Ships after all.

Now comes the broader part of the process that is twofold, the "debrief." What did we learn- about the person, the family, the community, the care? Those are always important for validation, education, and future care. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, what have we learned about the character of God?

Why would I expect God to swoop in and save the day any more often here on the Africa Mercy than any hospital? Sure, I'm in a community where we can openly pray, petition, and praise him, but why would I expect that to change the nature of His interactions in the world? Maybe because we feel closer we somehow conclude he'll become more visible in the way we presume he should be- miraculous healings and such. Which of course is wrong because he's already here. I'm the one who moved in the first place and am simply coming back. Instead, maybe healthcare here just draws us closer into community. We find ourselves in the ever-present power struggle found in healthcare, only this time we're actively searching for God in the process- together.

I'm learning the importance of not just community, but Christian community. Something about living, fellowshipping, and playing with a multinational crew on a ship in Africa alone is reason enough to learn about community. Add in the part of working with patients that deeply grab and sometimes break your heart... well, it's just that much more intense. More attitudes and presumptions and judgements to be dealt with. The Christian community isn't as homogeneous as some people might think. The difference is that we are urged to live accountable for our thoughts and actions and to encourage others as well for the love of God. For For his glory. It's difficult and requires grace from everyone. The fallout from Hubert's situation finds us all dealing with it individually and as a group. This lifestyle is leading us to lean on and draw from God in new ways.

I'm reminded (again) that in the end, maybe it's not the simple outcomes of life and death that matter but the quality of both that matter. And I'm learning that it's not only just ok, but we're encouraged to "storm the gates of heaven" until the very end for something miraculous. After all, we did get several miracles and the gift of life... just not the life we so selfishly wanted.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A primer

Because apparently it's needed.

Meh: exclamation for when the situation is frustrating and you are dismissing it.

Bah: exclamation for when the situation is crummy and you can't quite get it out of your head.

Blorf: exclamation for when you're detached and saying, "Well, there it is. This sucks."

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Can you see the smoke coming out of my ears yet?

Death is a part of life, so in that sense I guess it's natural. But as with most things since the fall, it's not quite the way perhaps it was originally made to be. When it comes down to it, sin is rooted in doubt- doubt that we are getting the best, that God is "holding out" on us. Doubt that He know what's best for us. I find myself at yet another time of spiritual anguish, the death of Hubert seeming imminent, acutely feeling the separation from Him. If I knew he was with us always, with Hubert, would this be so hard? If I didn't doubt for one second that God's plan is far more encompassing and loving than mine, would I struggle this much? I suspect I wouldn't. I suspect it's my doubt that causes the separation, not God himself.

I wandered into the dinning room a little lost at about two this morning. I'm sure it was no coincidence that some close friends happened to be finishing tea at that strange hour. Sitting down, I tried to relate how great it was to talk with Peleke on the phone tonight- how we both laughed and my cheeks hurt from smiling. Instead, tears for Hubert started leaking out. Grief is funny that way. I think sometimes as nurses we "prophylactically grieve" so as to be ready to help the families start their own process. It's simply the acknowledgement of loss of something or somebody important. And each time a patient dies, you have to decide what exactly that loss is to you- maybe not much or maybe a lot. I didn't expect Hannah's response to the situation: "sin makes me angry and sad." And that's just it, isn't it? The death of a child is just one more difficulty of life, one we have the peculiar honor to experience, compounded by our own doubts and fears of who God really is. It's not meant to be this way- but that's on us.

No, Hubert hasn't died that I know of. Both from what I've seen of him and in practice, I strongly suspect he will though. If he does survive, it will be only by the grace of God. And if he doesn't? Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

T.I.A.

Setting: The end of our dock, admiring the gorgeous sunset behind the industrial scene of tankers topped with cargo containers six deep. Dark storm clouds are scuttling across the sky, over the gloomy grey of the endless ocean to the south. A small break in clouds directly above us reveals a topaz blue sky. The swells are bigger than usual, spraying us periodically as the tide rises against the dock.


Abi
Hi Tim and Hannah! Hannah, how are you feeling today?

Hannah [rubbing thighs and lower back]
Good thanks! A little sore...

Me
Water aerobics?

Abi
Not exactly...

Hannah
I did CPR on that guy that died [drowned] yesterday. It was on the tanker ship next door, so we were kneeling on the deck for half an hour.

*collective pause then ensuing totally African explanation of the situation*

Right, then.