Travels

It's been an emotional week. Nothing in my family, but for some friends in various situations (medical and otherwise). Peleke is here and there with an unpredictable schedule over the next few weeks. When we get time together, the world starts to feel right again, so I'm glad he's not deployed! The Hooligans in their neediness and energy have been helpful too :)

Gucci was really a lifeline for me in Seattle. I love the place, but I had such a terrible time settling in and finding a group of friends whom I felt I really connected with. Working nights while living in my grandmother's basement may explain some of that difficulty... Anyway, she and Pumba have done something similar for me here on the Redneck Riviera. We go to the unofficial dog park pretty much daily when it's not, you know, a broiler out. So, like, 6 months out of the year. Despite Gucci's alter ego, we've managed to befriend some pretty neat people.

One of those friends and I went out kayaking the other day. My poor shoulders and back hadn't seen sun since September, so I definitely turned red, but, man, it was gorgeous out! A totally idyllic afternoon that fulfilled a need for friendship, rest, and beauty :)

A few days later, I drove to another southern state to visit Peleke for the evening/night. We took a gorgeous walk through several miles of what can only remind me of Ravenna Ravine (squeeeee! so happy!!) while it was overcast, 50's, and impressively green out. I kind of wanted to just camp out there for a few weeks, and in my mind I'll pretend that area doesn't get as steamy and icky as it actually does in another month. Then we enjoyed an excellent dinner out before heading back to the hotel. Peleke casually mentioned as we passed Tractor Supply that he might like to check that out while he's there, and I think I surprised him with my excitement over that sentiment. I'd seen it on my way in and had contemplated browsing there myself but didn't have time before we met up. You know you chose well when you and your spouse spent a solid hour happily browsing the local Tractor Supply Company :)

Interior Decorating

I grew up in a “shoes off in the house” family. It was a near mortal sin to walk in, during any season, wearing anything other than socks. I’m ok with this even though it takes a few more seconds going in or out. Who wants to get their socks or bare feet all gritty or dirty? Ironically, the other part of this is regular vacuuming. Again, I’m good with this.

Actually, I’m not totally good with this. I don’t like vacuuming (although I do swoon over our new one). With the addition of Pumba, it’s unavoidable. Gucci doesn’t shed, but he definitely does. Combine that with the impossible amount of dust that makes it inside, vacuuming isn’t optional. 

So vacuuming it is. 

The problem is, apparently Pumba has particular, shall we say, decorative tastes contrary to this. His “back to nature” theme makes it look like a pine tree exploded in the living room. I mean, pinecones, leaves, and branches get obliterated. This happens without fail within 24 hours of a cleaning. It also makes keeping any kindling for the fire pit in the yard unadvisable.

Poopscapades

A friend once told me we have more poopscapades in the Hooligan Household than she does with her nine month old baby. We don't have kids with whom to compare, but I think she might be right. Pumba definitely takes the lion's share of this in our house, but Gucci isn't without her contributions either. Neither are usually very funny at the time, but in a day or two (or sixty), I can come to see the humor in these situations.

Gucci provided a novel episode of potty humor the other day in a way that I would only have expected from Pumba, if for no other reason than that he eats anything and everything. As I was standing by the bed folding laundry and humming along to the radio, I didn't notice Gucci make her way into the room until she sat on my feet.

My feet became suspiciously warm and slimy. Afraid to look but already knowing what I'd see, I nudged her off and she waddled a few feet away. Yes, that's right, my bearded lady had eaten enough grass to, well, let's just leave it at she ate too much long grass.

I think we all know what happened next. I know as a nurse I've done far grosser things, but outside of the hospital, the gross threshold is much, much lower. Gucci knocked the limbo bar right off with this one. 

Beards

The Hooligans both have beards. Pumba's only counts in the sense that a seventeen year old’s scruff is also a beard, though. It’s all stringy. Hooligan Dad doesn't want to trim it because it does fit his personality, it’s just really gross.

His method of greeting primarily consists of face-butting you and giving sloppy kisses on your face if at all possible. He also frequently does walk by beard-draggings. Especially after drinking, he’ll come over and wipe his dripping beard all over your leg.

Gucci's beard is full and bushy. She’s our bearded lady. But make no mistake, she's only marginally less gross in this regard.

She keeps her beard generally pretty clean, but when she gets dirty, she goes all out.

Intelligence

Gucci is pretty focused and smart. They say dogs can't plan multiple steps ahead, but "they" haven't met my dog. Mostly she uses it to get into mischief. One night when she was being watched at a friend's place, he came home to find Gucci had gotten into the pantry and liberated the bag of cat food from the top shelf. Not only that, but she was dropping down other items of food to his dog as he walked in. This is not to say she's not distractible, just that Gucci will make her own fun.

Pumba is a different story all together. Object permanence is a little too complex for him. Consequently, he's pretty easily amused. When I ride the stationary bike we have at home, he likes to sit by the pedals and watch them go round and round. Of course, this is after he finally stopped standing in front of the pedals and getting klunked in the head each time the peddle came down. He's since found less hazardous pastimes.

The name game

Gucci came with a rather long, pretentious title. How pretentious, you ask? Well Gucci is her middle name. Really. I find this odd since she was bred in Colorado and raised in Oregon.

I got her when she was two, so I didn't have much room to work with. Since I didn't want to be calling out a seven syllable name at various parks and fields, I decided to Americanize and shorten things.

So Gucci it is.

We got Pumba at eight months from a shelter in Ohio. We're his fourth owners and kept the name he came with. He's got these funny little white tufts of hair that stick out around his nose making him look very much like Pumbaa from The Lion King. 

It's actually quite fitting. The Swahili word "pumba" means to be foolish, silly, weak-minded, and negligent. No truer collection of adjectives ever described a dog. Ok maybe that's not entirely true, but he has never been accused of being intelligent. Trainable, yes. Intelligent, not so much.

Running, doodling and skeet

No, I haven't dropped this blog yet again. It's been kind of busy around here. Not in the no-time-to-take-a-breath busy, but enough that I don't want to sit down a couple times a week and write. I figure if I'm going to do this blog thing again, I will at least make sure it doesn't stress me out :)

So I ran a 5k! Nearly two years after the first of the most recent five surgeries and only five months after the last, I did it! Peleke was out of town (foiled by the Air Force once again), and my friends were running the half marathon, but I was still smiling when I crossed the finish line to a bunch of strangers. I might have even cried a few tears. Who would ever have guessed? Not me. To my surprise shock, I actually ran the whole thing too! By run I mean 12:20 minute miles, but hey! I ran a 5k! Wow.

I spent Saturday night in Seaside with a friend and her two other friends since the race was early Sunday morning. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard or long! But we weren't laughing in the morning- it was 38 degrees and windy out. Brr!! Some sweet neighbors had me over with another neighbor family Sunday evening for a nice family style dinner and a birthday cake. Was really a fantastic weekend.

As I mentioned, Peleke has been traveling. A lot. The Hooligans missed him, and both are on the bed napping with him as I write this. His parting gift from the trip is some upper respiratory bug. Poor guy is wiped out, but the Hooligans are happy enough for the excuse to cuddle in bed during the day with him.

Speaking of the Hooligans, when I was all laid up (and not snowed by drugs, that is) I doodled some cartoons of them. Because, you know, I'm the master arteest. I'm going to throw a couple up here in the next few weeks because, um, because I can.

Spring is definitely here in the Redneck Riviera. It's bittersweet because first of all, the winters just aren't a force to contend with anyway. But secondly, summer can't be far behind. I remember when I used to love summer... Anyway, for the time being, the weather is mostly ideal. Cool to warm during the day with cool to cold at night. Most excellent. Especially for this:

Family

Peleke's family has a thing about family names. As far as I'm aware, everyone born into the clan is given a name traceable to a previous member. I don't think this is unusual by any means, but we didn't grow up that way in my family. Anyway, this is to say that Peleke's namesake, both first and middle, was his grandfather (Peleke Senior, for the sake of blogging).

As a family Christmas gift, one of Peleke's brother's hunted down and printed off all the publications of Peleke Senior and put them into binders for everybody. He was a physician, you see, and was apparently associated with the local medical school to some degree. I've been fascinated reading through his fairly prolific research writings dating from 1934 to 1973. He was a surgeon, and the research certainly reflects that, but he appeared to be interested in more than just that (there's a thoughtful article written about Medicare in 1971). I mentioned once that I wish I could have met him and that from his writing, I think he had a neat sense of humor. I was met with a blank look at the latter half of the statement. Apparently he was not known for humor, but I still enjoy reading his work.

His common sense has been refreshing. For example, in regards to tetanus treatment, he said "the time-honored quiet darkened room is of great importance. It is too often either overlooked or not available." I don't know any reasonable person in the hospital who wouldn't agree! And the things we all took for granted in school as basic knowledge, such as not leaving NG suction on continuous and taking into account its effect on acid-base and electrolyte balances, was apparently learned the hard way. Likewise, the plastic cannulas used in IV's were once very new and merited a whole journal article on what to do if you accidentally lose it into the vessel!

A part of me fell even more in love with my grandfather-in-law when I read his 1942 article on the misuse of antibiotic compounds. If you know me at all, you know how I feel about the overuse and misuse of antibiotics, so if this isn't proof that I married into the right family, then...

One thing that I noticed and feel a bit sad about is how commonly "mongrel dogs" were used for experimentation. I'm not judging, and I'm grateful for modern medicine, I'm just not sure I could do it.

My favorite thing of his may be not a journal article but a simple letter to the editor of JAMA in 1971. Peleke Senior, in no uncertain terms, says NASA's medical contingent of the moon program is making fools of the medical profession with their attempts at sterilizing the module capsule upon reentry. He indicates that it's haphazard and poorly thought out. Tell us what you really think!

Loving this man and his namesake :)

Five Minute Friday

Today's prompt: Afraid

Afraid. It's a lonely word. You can be fearful with other people around, but the fera itself is personal, so nobody can really know where your head is at that very moment. At least, I don't think they can.

I think it's safe to say we can define fear and we can certainly identify people acting fearfully. We can even quantify fear with things like heart rate, breathing, sweating, and blood pressure. But I don't think we can presume to know exactly what somebody is feeling, we can only measure and quantify indirectly.

I sometimes wondered how much of my patients' physiologic changes were due to pain versus fear. The two probably blur together anyway in drugged hazes. In one particular hospital, each ICU room had a tv and stereo system. On nights, I'd turn the lights down as much as I reasonably could and turn on the local Christian musical station quietly (again, if reasonable). I just hoped that through the sighs, beeps, clicks, whirs, and other sounds of the ICU, they would feel loved and not alone or scared.

Those sounds were comforting to me, but I realize how scary they are to the uninitiated, especially when some of those sounds are directly connected to your breathing, kidney function, and outright heart function.

The heart is complicated.

See Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday

Something's cookin'

When Peleke and I got married, I told him that I don't cook. Not only don't I cook, but I also don't like to and don't want to learn how. My "I can cook anything that fits in the microwave" magnet came as no surprise.

Well, life in the Redneck Riviera made my non-cooking agenda difficult. I mean, there are places to eat out and clog up your arteries in five days flat, but we certainly don't have any Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, or the like. There is a health food store about forty minutes away, but it's overpriced and, well, forty minutes away. As you can imagine, our diet has been less than ideal.

Then along came Pinterest. I resisted as long as I could, which was surprisingly easy given that everybody seemed to mention Pinterest in relation to cooking. However, one day I discovered that there's a lot more than food on there. Holy moly, there's a lot more.

My name is Wenikio, and I'm a Pinterest addict.

I feel that I should mention here, however, that we've overall benefitted quite nicely from it. Not only have a discovered this woman, but I've been able to do quite a bit of stuff around the house that we bought. Those are all things for other posts, but suffice it to say, I like Pinterest.

Then over the past year, I've sloooowwwwwllly started cooking. And by cooking I mean not ordering out or making things out of boxes. The culmination of which (because no, I don't plan on advancing through the ranks of kitchen goddess thankyouverymuch) has been the freezer crock pot meals. Best. Cooking. Idea. Ever! One day of cutting, chopping, slicing, dicing, etc and dinner is made for the month! With leftover lunches to spare! Side benefits are that I know exactly what went into things- no canned "cream of whatehaveyou," organic veggies only from the dirty dozen list (better on the pocketbook), and the overall cost of dinner has plummeted.

All this is to say that dinner, chicken tortilla soup, is smelling up the house quite nicely today!

Five Minute Friday - Again

Again.

It's a familiar word. I use it a lot. I'm trying something again. I'm moving again. It's happening again. Sometimes it's active, sometimes it's passive. Repetition can be boring ("try spelling it again"), but it can also be exciting ("we're moving again... I just don't know exactly when. Or where.").

Seems like lots of "agains" lately. Another miscarriage, another divorce, another cancer recurrence, another friend moving away. But there are some good ones too- another chance at a relationship, another exciting move for us, another attempt at athleticism, another attempt at a project. Some mundane good ones, too- another day with Peleke and the beasts. Another beautiful day in the Redneck Riviera.

"Again" carries responsibility. You've done it before, and you'll do it again. Easy or hard, here it comes.

Five Minute Friday is here.

Distractions

So, I kind of got distracted by shiny things. Shiny things in the shape of hardware in my legs. You can read all about that here, but hopefully that part of my life is mostly done now. I think roller derby sounds like a ton of fun, but I'm not sure I want to risk my awesome new legs for it. The shiny silver, gold, green, and blue bits are currently in a tupperware container in the office, waiting to be strung up as a wind chime. It's ok to be a little jealous.

And now... well, now seems as good a time as any to begin blogging again. No purpose other than to stretch the lump of muscle bouncing around in my skull. I think I can safely blog without the fear of accidentally spilling any state secrets, too, as Peleke has learned that it's better to just not share those things with me in the first place. Well, that and life married into the Armed Services isn't as overwhelmingly confusing as it was at the start. I've found a bit of a niche here in the Redneck Riviera what with friends, wood working, learning to play the fiddle, Pinterest, cooking a tiny bit, and, of course, the beasts. Just in time to move this summer!

Yep. Here we are.

Holy hardware, Batman!

Well hooray! Surgery was a success yesterday, at least so far anyway. It's not as painful (so far) as I'd feared it might be, but to be sure it's not exactly a cake walk either. However, compared to the first surgery, it's a breeze. It doesn't seem like the swelling will be anything near what it had been and overall the rehab isn't quite as aggressive right off the bat. No "cannonballs" and heel slides every hour, but when I do do them, the pain hasn't been as bad. Granted, the epidural was turned off only a few hours ago, I'm on one IV, three oral, and one transdermal patch for pain management, but hey, it's working :)

My shin bone is like swiss cheese and my hip is only slightly better off, so I'm 50% weight bearing for a few weeks with modified exercise. I'm looking forward to getting back to rehabbing in the pool and I really can't wait for the more acute recovery to be over so that I can really put my new leg through its paces (Ha! Pun totally intended!). I've tried to run a few steps prior to this hardware removal and besides the pain, I was at a total loss for how to do it. The new leg moves so differently from my hips to my toes that it's difficult to coordinate. The exercise physiologist I've checked in with recommends not even trying to learn how until the other leg is corrected. I think she's right. So in the meantime, it's swimming and biking for me.

For the millionth time I've got to say (and with no less enthusiasm), this new leg is awesome. Of course it's not perfect and I don't have the finished product yet (I've been told people continue to improve for up to two years), but if the course so far is any indication, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Also... I've got to say, I'm a little proud of my hardware (and perhaps a little sad to be unable to claim bionic status anymore)! I could feel two plates and several screws through the skin, so I'm glad they're out for that reason as well as for the discomfort they caused, but they're still cool- ten silver, four blue, two green, two silver plates, and one yellow plate for a total of sixteen screws and three plates!

Yes siree Bob, they'll make a great wind chime!

PS- If anybody reaches this blog by searching derotational osteotomy, I'd be more than happy to pass along my research and experiences. I'd like to "pay it forward" since I finally started getting answers last year from others who'd gone through the same or very similar types of surgery.

Ouch, only 12 out of 100.

To follow the NPR (US National Public Radio) meme, copy this list, putting in Bold those you have read.

1. The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, by J.R.R. Tolkien
2. The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
3. Ender’s Game, by Orson Scott Card
4. The Dune Chronicles, by Frank Herbert
5. A Song Of Ice And Fire Series, by George R. R. Martin
6. 1984, by George Orwell
7. Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury
8. The Foundation Trilogy, by Isaac Asimov
9. Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
10. American Gods, by Neil Gaiman
11. The Princess Bride, by William Goldman
12. The Wheel Of Time Series, by Robert Jordan
13. Animal Farm, by George Orwell
14. Neuromancer, by William Gibson
15. Watchmen, by Alan Moore
16. I, Robot, by Isaac Asimov
17. Stranger In A Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein
18. The Kingkiller Chronicles, by Patrick Rothfuss
19. Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
20. Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley
21. Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, by Philip K. Dick
22. The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood
23. The Dark Tower Series, by Stephen King
24. 2001: A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke
25. The Stand, by Stephen King
26. Snow Crash, by Neal Stephenson
27. The Martian Chronicles, by Ray Bradbury
28. Cat’s Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
29. The Sandman Series, by Neil Gaiman
30. A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess
31. Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein
32. Watership Down, by Richard Adams
33. Dragonflight, by Anne McCaffrey
34. The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein
35. A Canticle For Leibowitz, by Walter M. Miller
36. The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells
37. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, by Jules Verne
38. Flowers For Algernon, by Daniel Keys
39. The War Of The Worlds, by H.G. Wells
40. The Chronicles Of Amber, by Roger Zelazny
41. The Belgariad, by David Eddings
42. The Mists Of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley
43. The Mistborn Series, by Brandon Sanderson
44. Ringworld, by Larry Niven
45. The Left Hand Of Darkness, by Ursula K. LeGuin
46. The Silmarillion, by J.R.R. Tolkien
47. The Once And Future King, by T.H. White
48. Neverwhere, by Neil Gaiman
49. Childhood’s End, by Arthur C. Clarke
50. Contact, by Carl Sagan
51. The Hyperion Cantos, by Dan Simmons
52. Stardust, by Neil Gaiman
53. Cryptonomicon, by Neal Stephenson
54. World War Z, by Max Brooks
55. The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle
56. The Forever War, by Joe Haldeman
57. Small Gods, by Terry Pratchett
58. The Chronicles Of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever, by Stephen R. Donaldson
59. The Vorkosigan Saga, by Lois McMaster Bujold
60. Going Postal, by Terry Pratchett
61. The Mote In God’s Eye, by Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle
62. The Sword Of Truth, by Terry Goodkind
63. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy
64. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
65. I Am Legend, by Richard Matheson
66. The Riftwar Saga, by Raymond E. Feist
67. The Shannara Trilogy, by Terry Brooks
68. The Conan The Barbarian Series, by R.E. Howard
69. The Farseer Trilogy, by Robin Hobb
70. The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
71. The Way Of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson
72. A Journey To The Center Of The Earth, by Jules Verne
73. The Legend Of Drizzt Series, by R.A. Salvatore
74. Old Man’s War, by John Scalzi
75. The Diamond Age, by Neil Stephenson
76. Rendezvous With Rama, by Arthur C. Clarke
77. The Kushiel’s Legacy Series, by Jacqueline Carey
78. The Dispossessed, by Ursula K. LeGuin
79. Something Wicked This Way Comes, by Ray Bradbury
80. Wicked, by Gregory Maguire
81. The Malazan Book Of The Fallen Series, by Steven Erikson
82. The Eyre Affair, by Jasper Fforde
83. The Culture Series, by Iain M. Banks
84. The Crystal Cave, by Mary Stewart
85. Anathem, by Neal Stephenson
86. The Codex Alera Series, by Jim Butcher
87. The Book Of The New Sun, by Gene Wolfe
88. The Thrawn Trilogy, by Timothy Zahn
89. The Outlander Series, by Diana Gabaldan
90. The Elric Saga, by Michael Moorcock
91. The Illustrated Man, by Ray Bradbury
92. Sunshine, by Robin McKinley
93. A Fire Upon The Deep, by Vernor Vinge
94. The Caves Of Steel, by Isaac Asimov
95. The Mars Trilogy, by Kim Stanley Robinson
96. Lucifer’s Hammer, by Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle
97. Doomsday Book, by Connie Willis
98. Perdido Street Station, by China Mieville
99. The Xanth Series, by Piers Anthony
100. The Space Trilogy, by C.S. Lewis

Yikes, I guess I've got some reading to do! Thank goodness for free classics on the Kindle!

Passion for a passion

Oooooooh! As if the hibiscuses weren't cool enough, one of my favorite flowers is growing right down the street!

The passion flower is another one of those things attached to some vivid memories. There are two particular scenes that come to mind. The first is a simple snapshot of standing in a Seattle summer drizzle in a bright lime green slicker at the Ballard Locks. I was on my way through the small botanical garden to sit on the hill to watch the boats pass through. Man, I miss that.

The second memory evoked is in front of the same plant but on a warm, sunny day. A fellow Midwesterner and I were taking a pit stop to enjoy the locks and fish ladder. After this rather unfortunate view of one of the salmon counters, the flower was a nice contrast ;) We were hot, happy, and lighthearted when we finally got to Ray's Boathouse to watch the boats weave around Puget Sound.

I've never seen the flower anywhere else besides the Ballard locks and had no idea they could live here. This Redneck Riviera passion flower is on the street beside a driveway that I drive past every time I come and go from our neighborhood. We must have walked by it a million times, but I never noticed it- probably because we were trying to keep Beast Two from strangling himself with the leash. I've never been here in the summer, so I maybe they just weren't blooming.

The lady there has a nice garden that she obviously puts a lot of effort into from spring to fall. I feel like I should go over there and tell her how much I enjoy seeing her garden every day and how I especially love her passion flowers.

It was a dark and stormy night....

The weather here is kind of strange in that it's pretty focal for the most part. Down at the beach, just four miles south and two miles west of the house, they will have no rain and be watching the storm clouds dumping rain on our abode. I took this picture last night at dinner. One mile south, no rain, one mile north and it was pouring. I think it's neat, but it creates jealousy when I'm so close and yet so far from the rain.

On a somewhat related note (weather... Redneck Riviera... allergies), I noticed that my allergy nasal spray has a warning on it telling people not to use in the eyes. Is this really necessary? I mean, I know I'm a nurse and all, but I'm pretty sure "nasal" isn't medicalese and is in general, everyday language. Am I wrong?

Glasses and books and awkwardness

I realize that there's not a whole lot of substance to recent entries. Bear* with me as I recover from blogatrophy.

I realized that my new glasses are exactly like Peleke's. Oops. I think they're unisex but still. I don't think people have noticed yet, and perhaps they won't, but I feel like they're screaming for attention. Awkward.

And speaking of glasses... reading... books! I just finished two books and am going through that withdrawal you get from a really good read. Check out The Pillars of the Earth and The Help.

*Did you know that "bare with me" means "get nekked with me?" Yeah, hmm. Wonder if I've every accidentally written it that way. Awkward^2.

Diagnosis Wenckebach

Don't hate me for this, but I have to post it because it's both horrible and hilarious:

I watched it a few years ago and it still cracks me up.

And yes, it's also annoying.

Blorf

You know how sometimes everything is really ok but it feels like it's not? Yeah, it's been one of those weeks. Nothing serious, just multiple days of feeling powerless about most things going on around me.

I'm feeling crabby, frustrated, and lonely. Well, lonely in that the-AF-owns-my-husband-and-I'm-here-because-they-say-so-now-where-did-they-put-him? sort of way. I miss my girlfriends.

End pity party.

As the saying goes, if you can't say anything nice... post a funny picture (or eight). Something like that.

Right, that about sums things up.

These ain't your grandma's Crayola colors!

In perusing one of my guilty pleasures, I got the inspiration I was looking for. We've been discussing paint colors for our place, but neither of us is particularly, um, decoratively inclined. So it's been slow going.

Enter Damn You Auto Correct and voila! I think we'll go with effervescent shitstain and smoker's teeth. Yup, that'll do 'er.

But seriously, do these people not proofread?