Thursday, April 30, 2009

Rain, rain go away

The day started off dreary again. The rain hasn't been bad, mostly drizzle, and the temperatures have been 50-60's. Overall I kind of like this weather. The process of taking the dogs out is a bit more involved given the mud, but they love it.

This morning I took The Beast to the hangar to grab some stuff. Mud puddles were everywhere, so I didn't throw the ball. 


Then this afternoon (actually, right now) as I'm sitting iChatting with Peleke, the skies cleared and suddenly it's beautiful out. The dogs are gazing longingly out the window, sniffing the breeze as it comes in.









Soon, my beasts, soon. First I want to chat with Peleke. I miss him.

Eye spy

... or do you? Neat!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

By the light of the moon and a cool night breeze

I want to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your prayers, encouragement, and support. I can't even begin to express to you how wonderfully blessed Peleke and I are- I wish I had more time and emotional energy to share the details! We're excited about all the things to come :)

Thanks also for being so patient and understanding with my absences, both physical and emotional. You all know I'm an introvert (though some might disagree), and I'm trying to process it all (might explain the perpetual deer-in-the-headlights look). As a friend said tonight, eventually it will be normal- you'll set your keys in the same place every day. Isn't that the way it always is when you move? Add on top of that a marriage (even one that you know in your heart of hearts is right), well, I'm not exactly sure what normal is. We'll get there too- we'll make our own normal.

The learning curve is steep, and we expected that. Communication face-to-face is different than email and phone. Finding a rhythm with two people is trickier than with just yourself. Making a home for two takes more effort than for just yourself. Generally getting to know somebody you're going to spend the rest of your life with is, well, a whole new experience... and fun!

So for tonight I'm going to rest easy, surrounded by the thought of Peleke overseas, friends supporting us, and the frogs croaking down below our little house on the hill.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A rant

The phlebotomist blew my AC. Blew. My. AC

I mean, really? I'm a healthy twenty-eight year old female in for a routine lab draw. If you were a newbie I would shrug my shoulders. In fact, I'd volunteer to let you practice on me, but when you start cracking jokes about how, "I've done a million of these and have never felt a thing," then I assume you're making light of it all since it's second nature by now. I don't expect you to jab the butterfly needle into my arm and though the gigantic vein at nearly a ninety degree angle. Good Lord woman, where did you learn to draw? Carpentry school? 

Now I hate needles as much as the next person (yes, yes, oh the irony, blah, blah), but I've learned to more or less control myself. I don't scream and flail about anymore... on the outside. But today I nearly lost it. I don't know, something about the whole staff being sick, nobody washing hands at all, and general incompetence. Are these people for real? The mind, it boggles. 

All I have to say is that the bruise better be gone by the wedding!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The way things are

I'm down visiting the new digs with Peleke for two weeks. There may be some sporadic posts, but just consider this your blog vacation. The Beast is up north with the family and apparently getting along just fine, what with the frisbee golfing with my brother and lots of treats by my mom.

The new place? Awesome!
The ring? Beautiful!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Let's rock!

My sister teaches in Texas and told us about a phrase down there. She said that when "you get it honest," it means it's an idiosyncrasy you inherited from your family. 



As evidenced by these rocks on the kitchen window sill, I get it honest.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Chuckster

Mom had a neck surgery a few years back. Occasionally she'll put on a soft neck brace when it's particularly painful. The other night she took it off when we were watching NCIS, a nightly ritual here, and put it on Chuck. Why? Because we're easily amused (see: come by it naturally), that's why! Enjoy :)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Ready or not, here it comes!

I have increasingly, though admittedly not too strongly, hoped that over time my feelings towards The Forefront would soften. I don't want to harbor ill will or even experience the continued emotions of anger, resentment, anxiety, and fear that I left with. Those aren't productive emotions or a healthy state of mind- in short, a waste of precious life. It's ironic that in a place of life, death, and everything in between, I came away all but hating my life and bitter. One would hope that being so intimately involved in those situations would promote thankfulness and happiness.

Indeed, I did find myself feeling that way in later nursing jobs. Not to the extent I had hoped for, but enough to reinforce to me that sometimes choosing happiness means making tough decisions, like leaving a job. Happiness is a choice. I'm not always good at it because the choice is actually made up of lots of little choices- what to accept and what not to accept. What to strive for and what to leave to dreams. Who to associate with and who to avoid. The choices are endless. But I've concluded that the most important decision is how to gracefully accept the consequences.

I was a wreck when I left The Forefront. I was waking up with panic attacks and nightmares in the middle of the night. I had an ulcer and often felt too sick to eat. I was depressed and feeling trapped. I felt outright used and devalued. The sexual harassment was wreaking havoc on me emotionally. I was almost certain that I would never work in nursing again for a zillion bucks. I've even said I wouldn't send my worst enemy there. 

Some of what I picked up along the way has stuck in a detrimental way- I second guess my clinical judgment in a paralyzing way and always feel that sense of clinical isolation to some degree. Some of it has become comical- I hoard supplies in my pockets (flushes, alcohol swabs, and certain needles) because you have to assume resupply only happens in the morning. And that "resupply" won't be sufficient. That's a neurosis borne only from desperate situations without basic supplies. I'm slowly unlearning it. But some of what I learned is helpful too- the deep value of friends at work. Or that medicine is not an exact science and the art is just as important. Often, the art is more important because it may be all we can offer- hope, compassion, and presence. 

Good, bad, or otherwise, I came away from The Forefront understanding that despite the personal relationships with coworkers and managers, a hospital is still an entity acting in its own best interests. I will emphatically state that some hospitals are much better than others about showing appreciation and taking an active interest in their workers, and I've had the honor of working in several outstanding ones. But the truth is that when it comes down to it, hospitals are self-preserving just like we are. When I've had to leave good jobs, I sometimes have to console myself with the knowledge that, within reason, I have to actively put my best interests ahead of my hospital's. Believe it or not, that was perhaps the biggest obstacle I had when leaving The Forefront. It's pathetically comical now, but it was a big deal to me then. The decisions to leave the latter two hospitals are still a big deal to me because they treated me well. Knowing how good I had it made it tougher still. They are self-preserving hospitals (as any good business model will be), but I genuinely cared for and wanted to give back to that community.

Was I, am I, overreacting to my experience at The Forefront? I've thought a lot about that in the two years since leaving. I don't want to be bitter and vindictive. To be fair, people react uniquely to their environment. Not surprisingly then, many people didn't (and don't) respond so strongly to working at The Forefront. But I did, and I stand by my reasons, if not completely behind my own emotions. This entry isn't to expound upon those reasons or offer up unsolicited advice about how the hospital should be handled (though it obviously doesn't take much to get me going).

This is the first I've really written about the whole experience, and you can hopefully see why. But reading things like this and this are surprisingly vindicating and relieving. It isn't an "us versus them" thing to me anymore, and there are few clear cut "correct" choices.  Perhaps The Forefront deserves a little pity and even hope? Sadly, I'm not there yet. Those are tasks I'll delegate to you, dear readers. For my part, I'll try returning back to the old "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." 

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Duly noted

Musings of a Distractible Mind is a mediblog I enjoy. Though normally more lighthearted, I want to give him an Amen, Brother! for this:

Friday, April 3, 2009

Adding to her repertoire....

The Beast has continued learning to be a dog, but she seems to have growth spurts of sorts when surrounded by other dogs. Lately she's been learning how to bark... and beg.


Fortunately it's limited to mostly just looking pitifully at whoever has the goods with an occasional light pawing to remind you that she's there. It's a battle I wasn't expecting to ever fight with her, but one I'm happily willing to deal with :)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Planet Earth

Floating spiders are like flying cockroaches- they just shouldn't happen.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It's only practical

Surely I'm not the only one who prefers drinking tepid water over cold water? I mean, you can drink more of it faster!