Avocado green tea boba- who knew?

Quote of the night award goes to Dustin (of the Erin'n'Dustin duo).

 "Wow, look at all my if's, me's, to's, and it's!"

Now if we could jut get the rest of the gang up from Arizona, I'm sure we could spend all night drinking boba, laughing, and playing Set, Scrabble, and Bananagrams. 

It was so great to see you guys :)

And yours?

We all have our little idiosyncrasies. For example, there's the very passionate debate about whether the toilet roll gets put in upside down or rightside up.

Me? I brush my lower teeth before the uppers, always left to right. 

Another tentative step into technology

As you astute readers may have noticed, I figured out how to schedule posts for the future! It's kind of fun :) Five o'clock AM PDT a good time for everybody?

So goodbye post dumps and hello predictability! Maybe.

It was a hard one

The beginning of my sophomore year at Culver, there was a choir teacher changeover. The previous director had been lax and well-loved by the students. The new director was, well, more stern and prickly. On the first evening, we were going over the usual expectations and requirements. The beloved "excuse bucket," usually filled with acorns from students who had wandered in late, was to become something to take seriously. On the ever-growing stack of papers spelling out these sorts of things, I unthinkingly scribbled a note to my sister. I wrote, "what a power hungry freak!" Yeah, I'm not so proud of that one. In my defense, I'll feebly state that I was fourteen and angry.

Anyway, I later discovered that the new director had gone through and cleaned out our folders, something the previous director had never done. The note briefly occurred to me, but I dismissed the thought because who would actually bother to reread every single page of all that! You see where this is going? Several weeks later as I was leaving fencing practice at the gym, I ran into him outside. For the life of me I don't know what we spoke about. All I remember is his smile and parting words, "Oh, and I am not a power hungry freak."

I was mortified. I was burning red and it took all I had not to run back to the dorm. Dee sympathized with me, but it took weeks to get up the courage to relate the incident to my mom. I knew I had no one to blame but myself. Truthfully, he had walked into a tough position and I felt a little sorry for him, sternness, prickliness, and all.

Lesson learned (in mom's words): never write down anything you don't want the world to see.

A new day

When the answers aren't there, a friend's shoulder to have a complete meltdown on is second best.

Thanks.

Happy belated bloggiversary to me

As of August 10th, I've been doing this for three years. Huh.

A whole lot has happened in three years.

Still struggling

A friend helped me word it:

Why don't I have any questions? Why do I just feel hurt and angry?

I don't think any answer would suffice, let alone justify, though. And I'm not ok with questions.

I need to know I have what it takes. I need to know it'll be ok. For all of us.

Finish that thought

Overheard biking down the BG Trail this afternoon:

"I know she's my daughter, but she still..."

Wonder what the rest was.

Shame can't survive when empathy is present

What does that mean for you?

Bound to be mountains

Check out this woman. Kinda fun :)

Seefood

When is it ever ok to chew with your mouth so widely open that I can see (and hear!) what you're eating from three tables away??

Woman, that's seriously gross.

I love being on days

I keep reminding myself that I can't sleep until seven tonight. After yesterday's "nap" and a really good night's sleep, it's not that I'm super tired, it's just that I hardly know what to do with myself now. I'm leaving the Beast home for almost ten hours today, so I'm stuck outside of the house. I'm proud at how productive I've been, but now it's 1:15 and I'm not sure what else to do.

What's with all these people? And traffic? And noise? Yikes!

I already miss all you cool night people but I'm sure you understand :)

Stop! In the name of

...rubbing my belly!

So demanding I tell you.

Searching

Years ago at IU, I was walking with two friends along one of the roads that borders the campus. It was a drizzly evening, not unlike tonight. I don't remember where we were coming from or even where we were going (probably Steak 'n Shake). I saw a wet yellow envelope in the gutter, the universal envelope of a parking ticket. When I looked inside, the ticket was still there.

Thinking it must have gone unnoticed and some college student would get an outstanding ticket, I started to pocket it to pay when I got home (it wasn't much). One of my friends asked what I was doing and snatched it out of my hand. He ripped it up and threw it into the bushes, asking why I would do that- he probably deserved it. The friend wasn't exactly a mean-spirited kid, just a punk. I was incredulous and didn't say anything more about the ticket. I didn't forget and it's like those childhood memories with no apparent context that randomly come to mind.

The short memory of having it quickly torn from my hand, ripped, and thrown aside to the sound of laughter has been on my mind tonight. Maybe there is a context for it after all, and maybe I've figured it out. I've been told a number of times by friends in various ways that I have to separate myself emotionally from work. I reassure myself that I'm doing a good job progressing in that department, but it's taking a lot of time. I'm taking the patient situation the other night hard. 

I don't consider myself a particularly empathetic person, at least compared to a lot of nurses. I mean, I have empathy, but I never considered myself a touchy-feely person. My mom and sister are better in touch with their emotions. So have I tricked myself so well all these years or is it something else?

What do I know of love?

Last night was my last shift on nights for a few months. I wanted to stay up most of today so that I could sleep like a rock tonight, but when I got home at ten, I fell asleep within seconds of hitting the floor (to play with Gazza). I woke up an hour later with my arm asleep and dragged my sorry behind into bed for another few hours. So there goes that, I guess.

 I took Gazza to the park this morning after work. The rain held out long enough, and it was actually quite pleasant. I didn't want to walk to the beach this morning (in an effort to conserve energy), but Gazza made it a requirement when she picked the biggest mud puddle in which to plop down:

It's hard to be irritated with a happy face like that, and it all worked out. We ran into an old dog park friend. She's a funny, happy woman and Gazza loves her dog. I don't think she knew it, but she was a good pick-me-up this morning.

But it's still raining.

Yesterday it poured all day. Given the most depressing night in the unit, the rain seemed natural. A sunny day would have seemed almost inappropriate.

One of the things I keep coming back to is this: I'm more confident a patient died scared and alone than I am confident that he felt God's presence for those last moments. I know I sure didn't feel God there.

I don't want to hear all the usual responses. I don't want to hear judgements of my faith. Right now, I don't care. Right now the rain is crying for me.

I saw what I saw

Can't stop listening to this song.

And many happy returns

As we were driving to the park this morning, I saw a lot of people in a field by UW where usually teams are playing soccer or ultimate frisbee. On second glance, I noticed they were throwing things... that kept coming back. And then I saw a sign advertising this. 

Cool! The World Boomerang Championships are right here in Seattle! Anyone want to go check it out?

FYI

I stumbled upon an old email from a backpacker friend in Chicago (who also happens to be a biology/genetics professor at Northwestern). Thought you might find this interesting...

I had asked since blood is a tissue and carnivores eat these types of tissues, are leeches carnivores?

Technically they are two things:

1. Carnivores because they eat meat

2. Sanguivores because they eat (drink?) blood

Normally they're only referred to as sanguivores because it's more specific.

It's just that when people think "carnivore" they equate it with "predator" (lions and tigers and bears, oh my!). That's not exactly correct. Both vampire bats and leeches are sanguivores (therefore carnivores)... but parasites.

And now you know!

Go get 'em tiger!

I've seen a young boy, probably about ten years old, running along the Burke-Gilman Trail across from me. I first noticed him this summer and was impressed. At that age he's not building up any real muscle mass, but he's clearly running long distances.

Today is the first cold and rainy day we've had in a couple of months. As The Beast and I were driving back from the park all cold and wet, I saw the boy running down the trail, soaked to the bone and smiling.

That, my friends, is dedication. I hope he achieves whatever he's going for!

Love, love, loving these guys!

The Fleet Foxes. A local band getting big. I saw them in concert last year at the Crocodile (where a scary old dude kept hitting on me since Munoz was late to show. Ahem, Munoz.)! Does that make me cool?

I'm including this link under "keeping myself amused"

I wanted to post a few of these, but they are all too good and I couldn't decide. If you don't laugh out loud at least once after reading four pages, then there is something seriously wrong with you. Here you go.

I'm still scratching my head for some of these. You can thank me for the laughs later. How about with a mojito?

Peculiar

Surely I'm not the only one whose hair grows faster on one side than the other? It's only about half an inch difference and it has been six months, but still...

A number of many talents

256: not just for nerds anymore!

Overheard

Woman with dog

I like him but he's not my type

Woman with stroller

Honey, what have you noticed about your "type" lately?

WWD

Which one?

WWS

Exactly.

Ahhh the farmer's market!

Quote of the day:

Mine are the dirty beans, yours are clean.

Heh, she said dirty beans.

Amused

ClustrMaps says I've had 3,254 visits since this time last year! 

Wow.

The bells! The bells!

At the risk of being committed, I have a question. Does anybody else hear music or talking in things like air conditioners or loud white noise like that? I hear music in my air conditioner. I can't understand anything, but it sounds like somebody is distantly playing music. 

Is that weird?

Sleeping it off

I haven't really gotten out of bed for much in the last 24 hours. My leg is killing me to walk, so I've been keeping busy reading, listening to music, and blogging. But then again, you've probably noticed that already...

Anyway, this is what the Beast did most of the night. It amazes me sometimes how she recognizes pain and won't leave my side.

Even when I haven't been able to take her to the park to run around, like when I'm doing a stretch of nights, she won't leave my bed. Sometimes when I wake up, she's wide awake lying next to me, staring at the wall. I think she has the capacity to sit and think more than we give dogs credit for. Other times she just sleeps along with me. And by along, I mean mostly on top of me and hogging the bed.

What goes around comes around I guess...

Sometimes somebody else can say it better

I see the thunderheads rise

in the northern sky

and my heart is sinking

in the threatening tide

'cause my portside's heavy 

with the worries of life

and the worries of dying

on the starboard side

Well, I wonder, am I really

stouthearted enough?

'cause the ocean is rolling

and these waters are rough

there's a storm cloud brewing

in the sky above

so let my vessel be sturdy

let my anchor be tough

'cause the clouds are known to gather

and the wind is prone to blow

I'll keep my eyes on the horizon

not below

and keep her steady as a river

when the wild wind comes to blow

I've already been delivered

so I'll keep her steady as she goes

Well, I shiver in the wake of the raging storm

and my rigging is tattered

and these sails are torn

gonna cast this cargo overboard

but I ain't setting my headings

for no change in course

Though the clouds are known to gather 

and the wind is prone to blow

I'll keep her steady as a river

when the wild wind comes to blow

I've already been delivered

so I'll keep her steady as she goes

So when you can't find the faith to slumber

when you're thrown by every swell

you know that you're not going under

with the captain at the helm

So keep her steady as a river

when the wild wind comes to blow

you've already been delivered

so just keep her steady as she goes

~Andrew Peterson Steady As She Goes

Atlas shrugged. Can you?

Am I the only one who mutes my phone when I sleep (on the rare occasions I get to sleep)? I finally got over this aspect of my egocentricity. The world will keep spinning without me and I need my sleep. Besides, cell phones are a relatively new thing. For centuries we somehow managed to survive in a world where we weren't accessible at nearly any moment of every day. 

Since when did turning off your phone become such a liberating vacation?

But what I really meant to say is turn off your phone when you sleep! It makes me feel bad if I wake you up. 

Just think about it

And a desert's just a sea without a shore

And a lonely man at worst is still a man

And I ain't gonna cry for her no more

'Cause I don't need her love to love her all I can

~Andrew Peterson  in Coral Castle

Of note- how can you not like a man who works "carcass" into a child's song... and it's still funny?

One of life's great mysteries?

I was walking with Gazza to Dick's to get a burger the other day. It's a couple blocks up the hill from me, and I rather like the stroll up there. We took a different street up for variety- I love all the houses here. I can't help smiling when I find more houses painted bright colors. 

Anyway, Seattle isn't a fan of air conditioning in homes. Stores and gathering places like those have a/c, but most homes don't. Since it has been hot, then, most of the houses had their doors and windows open. When I walked past one of them, I knew the tv was on, but I couldn't hear anything. I looked back through the door as I walked past and it was indeed on.

What is it about walking into a room (and apparently from the sidewalk too!) that you can tell a tv is on, despite being muted?

What more could a girl want?

One of the questions last night was asking what view you would love to have outside your window. It was interesting that everybody mentioned the ocean (I also wanted mountains). This was what I was visualizing when I gave my answer:

Sadly, I don't know who to credit for this photo.

Pity party in the house

Yeah, the seven knee surgeries gave me back a better quality of life (lucky number seven, eh?). Yes, I know I'm lucky and I'm grateful. Yes, my parents warned me before the first one that I was committing to a lifetime of complications and more surgeries. No, I don't regret it.

I do, however, want to cut my leg off tonight despite all the work that went into it. I'm worn out from the unrelenting pain. I'm frustrated that I can't get it to stop. I'm mad that I'm helpless to prevent these episodes.

And that, my friends, is a screw that is entirely too long for my tibia. Grr.

But it had to be said

Loaded Questions is always fun. It's a bit tricky with only three people but still fun. Add Amanda and Brandon (hi Amanda! hi Brandon!) and you have a lot of fun! I think we went through the entire deck of cards and learned some pretty funny (and blackmail-worthy) things about each other.

My feeble mind can't even bring to mind any witty references to last night but... it was funny. 

Yeah.

Lemmings I tell you!

Dear frat boy on The Ave,

It's hot out. It's eighty degrees, to be exact. I know you know this because you have on a t-shirt and shorts. While I admire that you and your buddy have style, I'm a little perplexed by the wool hat with a pompom on top. Is this necessary?

Sincerely,

Wenikio (who doesn't want to see you in the ER for heat stroke)

But stop drinking from the toilet!

I've never had to limit the Beast's food intake. She's great at self-regulating, so I just need to make sure there's always food in her bowl. After this last episode, though, I've been giving her bland stuff and in pretty small amounts. She doesn't appreciate either.

As I'm sitting here in bed trying to type, she's looking pitifully at me and pawing at my hands and the keyboard. I've already fed her a bit. Her belly is still distended and she's trying to fumigate the apartment, so I don't think we're ready to go back to normal quite yet. She might just convince me otherwise, though. 

Glad to have you back, pooch!

Show and tell

Dee and I spent a lot of time at the pottery painting place this summer. I made Gazza food and water bowls.  I think the water one is pretty self-explanatory. There are also little water molecules along the outside edges.

I'm super proud of her food bowl, though:

Ok kids, put on your thinking caps! What molecule is on Gazza's food bowl?

Obviously not able to sleep today

I know you readers are not big commenters (though it makes for some fun conversations outside of the blog). I am curious, though, and want to hear in some form what you think of this:

I've been reading a book. The authors assert that women and girls have a fundamental question that needs to be answered: Am I lovely? It means, do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me? 

Secondly, they say there are three things women (and girls) long for: To be swept up into a romance (to be romanced), to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to be the beauty of the story (to have a beauty to unveil).

On first read, I was offended and put off. It makes us sound egocentric. We aren't completely dependent on validation by others! It's true. But I think they're onto something- humans are social creatures after all. Just ask Maslow. When you really think about what they mean (and set aside cultural connotations of many of the words), I find it difficult to disagree. Also, it's important to keep in mind, they do not mean this to be solely in the context of a dating/marriage relationship. It extends to general life (and God if you believe in him).

Think about it when you have some quiet moments. I'd really like to hear your thoughts and reactions.

Gazza update

The Beast seems to be feeling better. Still a little weak and looking glumly at me between naps, but I'm feeling a whole lot better about the whole thing. They say pediatrics is sometimes more like veterinary medicine, but she really had me concerned :(

Also, did you know that since dogs have a rather large subcutaneous layer, you just give fluids directly underneath the skin and they will absorb it? Gazza came home yesterday with all the fluids sloshing around her neck and shoulders. By midnight it was mostly just boggy. Kind of gross, actually.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that with people too!

Egocentric thoughts

2025 site visits since March. Huh. I'm flattered but a bit perplexed. I realize that a portion of those come from Google searches (including Google Image searches), but I'm a bit surprised at the rest of them. Is it my sharp wit or hilarious puns? No? Well, glad you seem to be enjoying these wanderings anyway...

Y'all come back now!

(Especially the visitor from Macedonia. Seriously? Macedonia? Good Lord!)

The four stages of life

Found this one blog surfing last night. Not sure who to credit for it, but it's hilarious... in a depressing way. The IV bag should more accurately be fluorescent yellowy-green, but you get the idea. DNR, people. DNR. I'm going to have it tattooed on my chest when I turn 65.

You can thank me for not eating through your tax dollars later with a drink... from the third bottle, thankyouverymuch! :)  

PS- "eating through" get it? Get it?? TPN? Oh come on, you know it's funny!

Art I can appreciate

I'm lovin' it and I totally want one. I would wear it proudly... really!

Not sure but I think I see some stenosis. Lay off the Dick's, wouldya?

Reconnecting

An old friend from high school came into town with her husband this past weekend for a wedding. We hadn't seen each other in over ten years and had recently reconnected over Facebook. These meetups are one of the reasons I love Facebook (right up there with Scrabble). Marie is just a really great, sweet person that you want to have as a friend, but we would have permanently lost touch otherwise.

Do you see how she's wearing my most awesome shark jaw sweatshirt? Oh yeah, I know you're jealous... 

I think she reads this repository of my ramblings sometimes, so hi Marie! I'm glad you caught your flight home!

Are we there yet?

I'm exhausted. The Beast got nearly a liter of IV fluids at the vet today. I'd like to tell you I was all cool, calm, and collected, but that would be a lie. I was not collected at all. I was up for nearly 24 hours before finally being able to pass out. The poor dog was so weak that she was having trouble walking and holding her head up. As I was actually carrying the limp 55 pound beast into the kitchen, I had a fleeting sensation about how it must be for the parents of the kids we work with.

The dog seems to be settling down. When we woke up at nine tonight, she seems to have regained some appetite and is able to walk around well enough. I boiled a chicken breast for her- very possibly the first thing I've cooked in months! Do you hear that Beast? You owe me. Right now, though, your normal bouncy step and funny head tilt would do just fine...

So, cross your fingers. Also, let me know if you can suggest any good car detailers around. Seriously.

Thinking happy thoughts

Beautiful, no? Sometimes I still can't believe I live here...

Friendship I'm not sure I could reciprocate

When you unexpectedly meet someone very cool and fun to be around, that's pretty awesome.

When that same person, one day later, offers to drive your putrid smelling car home so that you can get it cleaned (because you gag when you open the door), that's, well, insane but even more awesome.

Thanks :)

All pooped out

Gazza is sick and the back of my car bore the brunt of it. Let's just leave it at that. 

We're going to the vet here shortly and I'm about to keel over from exhaustion and worry over the stupid beast.

*sigh*

At least work was fun...

Fun!

When we arrived at the Seattle Center with our blankets and pillows, we ate our Ivar's fish 'n' chips under a full double rainbow behind the Space Needle. And then we watched Batman Begins followed by the Rocky Horror Picture Show projected onto a mural in the park. Does life get any better?

I submit that it does not!

Speaking of things

When a friend asks you about a stressful situation you had and then listens as you recount and deconstruct it, that's really nice.

When you're done and she says, "thanks for sharing that with me," that's... a breath of fresh air.

Thanks :)

The bells! The bells!

I can't remember the last time I went to sleep without setting an alarm. 

Arg.

Nightminds

You were blessed by 

A different kind of inner view

It's all magnified

The highs would make you fly

But the lows make you want to die

And I was once there

Hanging from that very ledge where you are standing

So I know, I know, I know

It's easier to let go

Missy Higgins

Thinking about this one today. 

I heard it said once that we should strive to be like the moon. I can't relate exactly how they phrased the rationale, but it's something like this: everybody loves a bright moon- it's like a sunny day without the scorching. Personally, I love walking quietly in the dark. It's a little more difficult to do in the city for obvious safety reasons, but I love it. I probably get this from my parents- we used to walk in the woods at night. While sometimes it terrifies me, it also brings me a unique calm and clarity. I'll never claim to be a night person, but I do love taking those quiet walks outside. Whether it's under a dazzling quilt of stars or under a friendly, silver moon, I crave it. Especially tonight.

"Confessions to the Moon" by Andy Everson

Ouch

Last fall I watched Blood Diamond with a friend, and I'm still not over it. I cried and had nightmares about it.

Today I've felt really worn down and exhausted, so I kept it low key and tried to sleep a lot. Then this evening I took Gazza to Barnes & Noble to lose myself for a while. I picked up a couple of books, settled into an overstuffed chair, and absentmindedly fed her some treats until closing. I never made it past the first book- A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier.

I read the entire thing. I didn't realize my foot was asleep or that I had to go to the bathroom or that they were closing the store. When I stood up, I was dizzy- I'm not entirely sure whether it was from not having looked up from the text in two and a half hours or from the story of horror I had just read. I felt awful. Walking out of the store into U Village, my life felt unreal. Watching the teenage boys kicking around a bottle of pop looked different than it had earlier. I'm exhausted.

I understand the credibility debate going on regarding the veracity of parts of Ishmael's story. I also agree with Neil Boothby when he says, "... The system is set up to reward sensational stories. We all need to look at why does something have to be so horrific before we open our eyes and ears and hearts?" But that's not my point here- my point is that the whole thing is horrific.

Sometimes I pick up a book having some vague idea that I may regret it for one reason or another. This was one of them, but as it usually goes, I'm also thankful (but not glad) for having read it.

Heartbreaking

I don't usually feel too compelled to write much about work here, but this is a topic I am both fascinated and, in a way, horrified by. It's awful for the families. How strangely we can break.

HLHS is a complex cardiac anomaly present at birth and deadly unless treated immediately. Prior to the surgeries now available, it was a death sentence. If you survive a series of three surgeries, you're pretty ok (so they tell me). Really the only "cure" is a heart transplant or successful completion of the three major heart surgeries. I stumbled upon this blog when searching for something else. I just felt like I should share it to give you all a peek into some of what goes on. I don't find work overwhelmingly sad most of the time, but these little guys get me.

Thunderstruck!

So, uh, what happened to Scrabulous? I mean, I know what happened, but really? I see both sides but like KT, I sort of want to root for the underdog. And what does that say about my character?

I knew we were related!

Hi Mom!

Keep it comin'

So we were talking about this video tonight at the game:

KT

I don't know what you'd call that. I mean, it's not a strike or an out.

Wenikio

Fowl ball...

*crickets*

Jason

Ouch.

Party foul.

*snerk*

Much better than Junuary

Since Jason has been out, we've done some touristy things. It's nice to have somebody to wander with :) One of the things we did was play at Discovery park yesterday. It was high tide, so the beach was, well, not really there. The days have been gorgeous, though, and there are plenty of trails and things to do at the park. Like playing with shadows and finding stairways to nowhere!

Tonight we went to the Mariners/Minnesota Twins game at Safeco. Both Jason and KT went to college in Minnesota, so they were pretty ok with either win. Mariners won, though :) It was a beautiful night!

Technology scares me, but it takes cool photographs

The first photograph I took with the phone that Dee got me for free:

And speaking of technology, I now know how to "right click" with my Mac! Hooray! Thanks, Nicholas :) I don't know why your comment didn't make it through, sorry, but I got the voicemail!