A sucker punch to the soul

Work in the PICU is hard. I mean, it's really growing on me (and I have a ways to grow), but there are a few things I'm struggling with. Most notably, those would be abuse/neglect and death. Kids are a tough transition in many ways, but easier in others. One of the things looming large in my mind on our orientation checklist is "end of life care." I mostly tolerate it with adults, but I don't know how well I'll tolerate it with the kiddos.

I acknowledged going into this job that I also don't know how well I'll handle abuse cases. It's one thing to abuse your body, and I've more or less come to terms with abuse among adults, but I don't know where to start with kids. Within the past few months, I had to deal with one particular case in the role of primary nurse. It was awful. There are just no words. Normally I would try to understand the situation, but to put yourself in the frame of mind where that sort of thing is even conceivable is just... no.

I can't laugh anymore about that joke, "I'm not having kids because I believe in child abuse." Even in my lighter moments I see that broken little body. As for pediatric death? It's gut wrenching.

However, despite the depressing nature of this post, I'm happy where I am. Gazza is consistently at two hours alone now and halfway off her Prozac, so I think she's happy where she is too. She might be happier if she could just catch one of those elusive squirrels, but you can't have it all now, can you?

And even though it doesn't always seem right, I do believe that God has a plan for us all.

Fine weather for shorts

This is one of my favorite websites. There's enough fodder on there for many blog posts, but I'll just give a hearty amen to this post about shorts. Why? Because they're talking about me!

Whatever happened to just plain old 'Lavender Blue, dilly dilly,' dilly dilly... silly?

Brownie points to those who can name the above song!



Like I said before, we're just labelin' fools. These are just IV labels! Except for the one that says "pre-bladder." Although technically...

I don't, like, get it!

While I've heard it my entire life, I don't get the phrase, "it scared the living daylights out of me" (and all the other, um, variations of "daylights").

You have daylights inside? Not to be confused with daylight? And really, how did that get in there anyway? Moreover, how is it alive? I know we argue about whether light is a wave or particle (or both!), but I think we can all agree that it's not alive. I don't suppose it matters, seeing as how it got scared out of you anyway...

KnoWhutImean, Vern?

Having an emergency?

We've got you covered!



My hospital uses 5S, "a philosophy and a way of organizing and managing the workspace and work flow with the intent to improve efficiency by eliminating waste, improving flow and reducing process unreasonableness." Now before you groan too much, I have to admit that it's pretty cool. For the most part, everything is clearly labeled and in its spot. From sticky labels on the desks ("tape," "stapler," etc) to tape on the floor ("do not put anything here," "trash," "dohicky cart"), there's a place and label for nearly everything. Navigating and getting what you need on the unit is much easier this way!

There's one thing, though, that makes me smile me up every time I see it. In the clean utility room, there are these arrow stickers on the floor that are arranged so that the wheels of an IV stand fit over it (like those toys kids play with where the block shape has to go into the corresponding hole). They totally remind me of the DDR scrolling arrows! Wee!

Quack quack says the duck!

The other day when Gazza was doing her two whole hours (almost) of alone time, I had to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't freak out as well during the wait. At my mom's urging, not that I need it anymore, I walked down to Ivar's for some fish'n'chips. As soon as I sat down, a very curious duck waddled over, let out one quack, and watched me eating very intently. Now I know you're not supposed to feed the wildlife (yadda, yadda, yadda), but she asked nicely and I had some fries to spare. Turns out she catches a fry mid-air better than Gazza can catch a ball. Who knew ducks were so talented?

Anyway, there we sat, the duck and I, munching our fish'n'chips. She was cute. I hadn't been so near a duck since Easter tried to eat our toes when we were younger. Ducks are actually pretty cool! Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so!



Hey, did you know that the generic word "duck" is female and "drake" is male? Wikipedia doesn't lie! Also, I seem to recall something about ducks being really dirty. Was that just parental propaganda (sorry Mom and Dad) to keep kids from trying to handle the ducks, or is there something to that?

Tennis balls from heaven

Internet, this is Doug. Doug, this is, well, these are my bloggies. Heh. Hi bloggies! Doug is very cool and I like him :) So does the beast.



We walked around Greenlake the other night and kept watch for the Greenlake ghoulie. He didn't make an appearance (my argyle socks scared him away), but it was a nice evening anyway. It has been hot out, so it was nice to walk without melting.

Poor Gazza has become a sloth. She will shortly be a nearly hairless sloth. Cross your fingers I don't butcher the haircut too badly... OH! And she stayed home alone for almost two hours today!! Will the miracles never cease?? But while we're making headway on that, she's beginning to get defensive of me with other dogs. I am not a fan of this. The vet thinks she'll grow out of it and I'm making her submit when it happens, but I still don't like it.

This morning we went to Magnuson so that she could swim and burn off some energy without spontaneously combusting. When we pulled into the lot, I started cracking up. Apparently a local tennis club did a big dump- huge garbage bags full of lightly used tennis balls! The entire park was covered with neon yellow balls, and the dogs were in heaven. Some of their heads almost exploded with the stress of picking which ball to play with. It was fun :)

When there's nobody else around

"In sleeping children we see their futures. In adults we see their childhoods. We relax. Our waking masks lowered, we become truer versions of ourselves."
~Raul Gutierrez

One time I asked my dad what I looked like when I slept. I don't know what we had been talking about, but I got really curious to know. He said I slept with my arms over my head, and that he'd take a picture. In the picture my knees are bent up with my feet flat on the bed and my arms are holding my stuffed dog to my chest, though. From the looks of things, it doesn't appear like I had much choice. The stuffed animals were on their nightly migratory route to the floor.



Anyway, ever since then I've been more aware of the fact that I do sleep with my arms up over my head. Sometimes I'll wake up with my shoulders and arms numb, and I've jabbed myself in the face numerous times trying to move the wooden limbs over. I'm a bed swimmer as it is, I can only imagine the artificial elongation of my body doesn't help. No wonder Gazza gets all huffy when I can't find a comfortable position... like last night. Good grief, I don't know what was in the air, but it wasn't zolpidem, that's for sure!

And now that you know my sleeping habits, we'll move along... I was really just using that as a segue into this site. I spent too long laughing at the pictures and figured you all might get a kick out of them too :)

Sam and Libby, Lib and Sam

Boy hanging over the side of the dock

Do you see any octopuses?

Boy pretending to be a pirate behind him

I don't smell any!

*silence*

Dock hanger

We must have scared them away!

Pirate

Yeah because I don't smell them!

And this is why I love watching kids. I wanted to get a picture of the two, but I think parents don't like strangers snapping pictures of their spawn?

Gazza and I spent the morning at Marymoor dog park. The day started out overcast but ended up beautiful and warm. After an hour and a half of hard running, swimming, and sniffing, she was getting tired. As luck would have it, I finally got in touch with Leanna as we were headed out of the park. Not wanting to go home just yet, we met up for her self-proclaimed National Ice Cream Day. Mmm, good company over Ben & Jerry's on a warm, sunny day! We spent the afternoon in Kirkland with all the other folks who were undoubtedly "sick."

I couldn't figure out why my forearms and legs were itching after I'd been out a while. They stopped after an hour or so, and I forgot about it until tonight. I think it was the sun. Yeah, I totally think my pasty limbs were reacting to the sun. My Arizona self is cringing, but I think my epidermal cells freaked out because they couldn't remember the steps to vitamin D synthesis. Apparently my brain isn't the only one with test anxiety. Anyway, I'm slightly burned now and will be tan tomorrow. Hooray for color!

On the way home this evening, I got to experience the famed 520 traffic. It was as bad as they say, but the drivers were kind of fun! They actually let other cars in and nobody was honking or tailing. Because it was so warm out, most cars had their windows down, and it made for good people watching. I saw no fewer than four people singing their hearts out. I laughed out loud when I saw them, and one girl laughed back! I actually sort of enjoyed the ride.

Rainier was beautiful today. So were the Cascades and Olympics, for that matter. I love living here! Gazza is passed out on the floor, but I think she does too. Dee is coming out for the summer for sure. I think she'll also agree :)

Pretty the world

It was a lazy day here at the homefront. The beast allowed me to sleep in and was content to cuddle up next to me (and by cuddle up, I mean hog the bed). By the time I got up, she had decided to stay in bed a while longer.



I know, she's all cute until you recall that she chowed down on a salmon carcas last week. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that... When she got her stitches out today, I didn't tell the vet about the salmon incident. Since the rotten salmon and Lake Union water combined haven't killed her yet, I'm about to conclude that Gazza is invincible. I shall call her Disgusto Dog!

It was yucky out today. The weather couldn't decide if it wanted to rain or just be cloudy, so it spent most of the day vascillating between the two. At least it was warm.

Computers these days!

Dear computer,

How many times must we review this? "Turn off" does not mean reboot. Kapeech?

Wenikio

PS- Spontaneously rebooting just as I'm about to push "publish post" on here isn't winning you any points either!

Falling in love again (with Cowboy Mouth)

A friend was asking me about Jess yesterday after I dropped her and Steve off, but I couldn't find the right words to explain what she means to me. I may as well quote Jess directly and say that she's the best friend a girl like me could ask for! I miss her already... Aside from his cooties, I miss Steve a bit too :) I finally got to see the wedding pictures I'd heard about and am framing this one of us. I think the fact that we're both in dresses needs to be somehow noted in cyberspace! But seriously, it was a beautiful wedding.


All in all I think the trip was a success. I need to head back down this winter. Dates, anyone?

Speaking of weddings... Liz is getting married! Congrats Lizzy!



(Do you like that '90's disposable camera quality? And yeah, we totally rocked Tannadoonah with our neon shorts!)

Also, nothing beats my grandma's chicken noodle soup (except her chicken pot pies). Yum!

They're here!

That's all I have to say right now. My face hurts because I'm smiling so much :D

Like heaven on a bun

On my way to Bellevue tonight, I drove on the 520 bridge over Lake Washington. I always love driving over it because I'm rarely in traffic and I love how the water is usually choppy on one side and smooth on the other. Such an interesting contrast, though I will admit waves crashing over a floating bridge give me the heebie jeebies. On most days the view is very nice as well. Tonight was pretty and the water was glassy on both the north and south sides, though, and made for a peaceful trip.

I can't help but feel a bit guilty when I take 520 over. Like I'm skipping what would surely be a beautiful drive around the north end of Lake Washington. Don't get me wrong, a straight shot on a floating bridge between here and there is helpful and a modern engineering miracle (in my mind), but it still feels like I'm somehow cheating. I wonder if I'll ever get over the subtle exhilaration of driving my car on a huge chunk of floating concrete over a deep, dark, glacially carved lake. I hope not.

Hey. I know "subtle exhilaration" is an oxymoron, but it's the best way I can describe the feeling, so there! Also, I love how Wikipedia validated my observation that traffic in Seattle is totally the reverse of every other big city- traffic heads out of the city in the morning and then back into the city at night.

Orbiting

Holy moly! In less than three days, Dad's blog has received visits from Columbia, the UK, Saudi Arabia, Chile, Hungary, Brazil, Canada, and Hong Kong! Maybe I should start posting on supercub.org too...

More importantly, happy birthday Dad!

A canvas of a billion suns

Feeling retarded enough after day three, it then took me three tries to correctly decode the Google word verification on a friend's new blog. For the record, I am extremely jealous of Lynnel! Go super nurse, go! Godspeed :)

Gazza is recovering well from the dog that bit through her lip on Friday. She got a few stitches and doesn't really seem to care. The beard and moustache we've been working on is a little uneven now, but it adds to her character. Yup, my dog has a fauxhawk and a wopperjawed beard :)

Last night we stopped by a friend's place for a Sunday night BBQ. Actually, we stopped in for the BBQ leftovers after work. Mmm-mmm good! Salmonburger, good company, French people... I love it :) Gazza played with the resident dog for a while. By "play" I mean they followed each other around barking at nothing in particular. Where did she find her voice, anyway?

Still needing to wind down, G and I walked our old circuit around home. I don't remember last time we walked it, but it couldn't have been past January. The houses had still been decorated with Christmas lights and decorations. I found those walks really relaxing but they made me a little wistful too. Since then, the houses have taken on a whole new feeling. There are more signs of life both outside and inside, and the smell! If I could close my eyes and stroll along, I could easily imagine myself in some Parisian garden...

The route we walk is more or less a square, which is the best you'll get in a city like Seattle. Each side of it has distinctive home styles. I'm sure it's not done on purpose, but the experience is an interesting one. Starting off, the street is mostly old Seattle homes. I don't know how to describe them except for that they remind me of my grandmother's place. Turning south, that street is lined with more modern homes built on tiny lots. It's my favorite part of the walk because the houses are colorful and inviting, and then you end up at the top of a small hill overlooking downtown, Lake Union, and the Montlake Cut. The view is especially beautiful at night. The cars going over the elevated University and I-5 bridges sound more remote than they are. It gives a welcome feeling of detachment from the rest of the city.

The longest stretch is on the BG Trail. I see mostly townhomes with what have to be great views overlooking the lake and city. Of course, I'm sure in places that small, you need a worthwhile view to change up the view of your roommate over whom you're surely stumbling over all the time. Anyway, on the way back up our hill, I noticed the gutter on the side of my house was draining. I can't for the life of me figure out why it's usually siphoning something out. Seattle is definitely a city of compartmentalized weather, but this is ridiculous! It can be a blue sky all day, and the water will still be draining! As far as I can tell, there aren't any sprinklers (or gardens, for that matter) up there, but it's driving me crazy. Yes, that's right. I'm going crazy because I can't figure out why the gutters are draining.

Lastly, it bears repeating- I heart The Weepies. I just can't get enough of the new album!

I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear

I'd like to tell you that Venus was in the solar sixth house yesterday, causing a spontaneous ulcer and a lot of pain. However, I'm forced to admit that the ulcers, in fact, have been around for a while. I've just been ignoring them and hoping they'll go away if I eat enough and take enough drugs (like the good American I am). I'm here to educate you folks- it doesn't work. What did work was some dilaudid, zofran, and sleep. Since none of those are OTC, you'd best be more careful than yours truly. It wasn't until the first shot of dilaudid that I realized how much pain I'd been in. It's interesting, the levels of pain we can ignore.

It was interesting being on the other side of the patient/provider relationship. Not entirely comfortable because I seemed to develop super sensory powers and could just hear the superbugs growing everywhere and creeping closer to me and my IV. If I wasn't stressed before, I was definitely then.

Katie was awesome enough to sit with me and then haul my pale, nauseous body home (narcotics aren't all that stomach friendly). She heated up some soup, got me settled, and then left me to sleep and continue fighting the urge to go into reverse peristalsis. Bob brough Gazza over later in the evening, and she was sniffing me all over and acting worried. Funny how dogs know.

I seemed to have escaped any permanent harm, though. My arm hasn't fallen off and my stomach seems to be back to its norm (which apparently isn't so great to begin with). So here we are again, back to eating, sleeping, and drugging. I was told to reduce my stress. A friend actually tried to get me to talk through some things I can do, and I think I failed. I mean, I can't quit my jobs, I can't (read: won't) give up the dog, and the rest is just... life. I think what I really need to do is take the perfectionism down a notch or two and go on more walks with friends.